shamelike

he just wishes she wouldn't look at him like....
reads the rest of her words on the back of the box
like the delphic oracle on
something, something he couldn't afford
walks around midnight, loaded, with his head cocked, gun back
ready to shoot either, head/gun, but gets his ass home instead
cries a little, but she sleeps
oh, she sleeps, and knows he's there. face is pink, and her legs are barely covered
face is pink and her mouth is barely covered
he wrestles his demons to sleep.
holds her.

it's all so serious, jason

see, that girl, she isn’t really the thinking type
bouts of kant and kafka couldn’t help with
crack head boyfriends and missed periods and
pill habits.
what time we eatin’, baby? he asks to get the same response
pants drop to ankles, we are all done playing with the wrong time
minutes peek around the corner and
her 2nd baby daddy says, i just hope everyone sees the real you
but she didn’t know that existed
the hourglass figure ran races around brain waves and
dicks hardened at the scent
and the scent made her all sorts of silly and calm before the storm
calm before the glory of another day
lost
that girl marks an x on the calendar, trips and falls trips up and
bandages her
hopes.
hopes and
lies.

time flies by when you're high, she thinks
high
the only way she knows motion
sub par reactions to ordinary spells. she leans
back in his arms, arms, muscles from the movies and
homemade tattoos destroyed his skin
push up, i do push ups, i don’t lift weights anymore
but you wouldn’t know that by the look of him.
holds onto his arms when he comes for visits
oh, there are arguments that span lifetimes
and daily broadcasts to the neighbors about his habits and her whoring
she says we all have an expiration date
we all have to go
we all see her slip
she tries to hide it with a toothy smile, white blinds the sorrow
white blinds entirely, powder fresh, just a cold she says.
has a hard time
breathing in
only seconds have passed

meets a friend for lunch
a man for dinner
her kids for desert
i don’t know anyone who does anything without something to eat, she says
conversations are edible and she licks her full lips.
used to make fun of my lips, asshole kids in school
now, those same boys want my lips all over them
in between them
i’m not that hungry, though
greasy hair matted to her oily head.
always licking her lips.
winks.

i am not coming with you, she tells the man
who is sometimes there, sometimes with the girl from down the street
guess she is some sort of crack whore, some sort of suck a dick for a couple dollars
kind of girl
he wants to know why she isn’t jealous
can’t be jealous of the living dead
his door slams shut and she tramples the flowers in his front yard
they would have died anyway
they would have
he hasn’t watered them in weeks.
can’t see flowers from the basement
i left a good man for this, a good ass man, and
he doesn’t let her finish
kind of kisses her, kind of smacks her
she never can tell the difference
no man is a good man, they are just on stage
she is tired of being taunted by time
time, she thinks, is a no good man

when she wakes up, and it is five in the morning
she thinks of nothing but the funny organization
of the universe
she thinks it is too hot in her house
and thinks the water isn’t hot enough
drops the kids off and turns the radio on as loud as she can
before the speakers start fizzling and she is left with
dumb quiet
thinks of the night before and maybe would have
used her brain and not her pussy and not her heart, either
but she questions the concept of heart and soul
and throws them out the window with the half smoked cigar
left from the last time she let him borrow the car
he reminds her of someone
gives him the keys
when she wakes up, she is always happy to see them lying next to her bed
means she still has a car
but not much else

reads the tattoos on his arms, on his chest
more than one girl’s name
she thinks that’s a pretty ballsy move.
when does it stop meaning something?
but answers herself.
never did never did never did never did
the thing about regret is that is leads to death
no, life leads to death
duh. focuses more attention on the ground as she walks
have you been using again? have you?
he says no, but implies yes
she applies eyelashes contacts foundation
we can fake it for awhile

how many suicide attempts does it take to...?
she thinks probably the joke isn’t funny anymore.
two weeks late, bloated belly, tits hurts.
aww shit, she knows, she knows what this means
trying to look up abortion clinics on the internet
while he runs around the neighborhood
no tears, though.
who did i murder in a past life?
karmically FUCKED, she giggles.
maniacal.
when he returns, the gas tank is empty
and he empties once more into her
and she is empty now, too

outlaw as man and woman
 
the outlaw as a man
the outlaw waits as much as I do
for some shit to
fuck up
eat up
shoot up smoke up hole up
he borrows the car again
runs around like a chicken with his head cut off
shoved up
his ass
and smiles
not high not yet
the outlaw determines the way his world will look
without
light
or love
or underestimated purity
and he wonders what they think
about what he has turned into
too good for him, the outlaw muses
and his rage is an open sore, torn open by anxious
hands
when the outlaw returns, he has something to eat,
flips on
television to avoid
understanding
but it creeps in enemy territory
STOP STOP STOP
it can't feel like this all the time, and his
veins
explode
red
fire
blood
the outlaw takes a lady
he takes a woman
and walks her home.

the outlaw as a woman
she breathes in, twice to validate
life
the outlaw brushes her hair, through knots and dried
cum
she reaches into her bag of tricks to find only last
nights

delicious tale
the rest is a black out, assuredly for the greater
good
the outlaw has no more words to describe states of
being or
states of mania or
wasted dinners with soft princes of states she
won't be
returning to
she tries, of course
lies, cheats, retains
humiliating optimism
has destroyed the balance
wishes
wishes
overdoses on the only thing she can hear
his voice
the outlaw knows she is a dangerous species
so she
withdraws
and walks home
alone

pray, in general